Comments on: Truancy

By: POW Prompt #9 / Big Tent Poem: Water « Raven's Wing Poetry

POW Prompt #9 / Big Tent Poem: Water « Raven's Wing Poetry — Thu, 08 Jul 2010 20:07:47 +0000

[...] post it), and then revised it yesterday. It is an answer to an earlier poem I wrote in persona, “Truancy”. See if you can guess who I am talking [...]

By: poetryaboutart

poetryaboutart — Wed, 11 Nov 2009 23:00:26 +0000

I see this as a powerful revelatory scene at a powerful moment in time, both personal time and historical time. The year, 1960, on the threshold of major social change; the age, 16 years old, on the threshold of adulthood. The boy has left school to go to a place where he can seek true understanding, revelation. I love these lines:
Trying
to read the sun. Trying to enter the illustrated garden unnoticed,
to hear the crinkle of fern leaf beneath the backs
of hidden lovers as they dance
below the veil,

By: pieceofpie

pieceofpie — Sun, 08 Nov 2009 00:01:59 +0000

the wonders of a 16 year old boy traveling truant… the format leads the reader gently… a rich delightful journey…

By: Linda

Linda — Fri, 06 Nov 2009 03:05:14 +0000

I really enjoyed your poem and the journey all the way back to Leave it to Beaver. Thank you for posting this, Nicole. Your poem holds truths for me. I loved the crash of crazy violins. =D

By: Lawrence Gladeview

Lawrence Gladeview — Fri, 06 Nov 2009 01:58:02 +0000

nicole thank you for this piece. “urdu script” prompted research-

Urdu (اُردوُ Hindi: उर्दू Urdū, IPA: [ˈʊrduː] ( listen)) (also alternately known as Undri) is a Central Indo-Aryan language[1][2] of the Indo-Iranian branch, belonging to the Indo-European family of languages. It is one of the two official languages (the other being English) of Pakistan.

thanks for the challenge, some great writing here, always a pleasure to read.-lawrence

By: davidmoolten

davidmoolten — Thu, 05 Nov 2009 21:37:42 +0000

I love the way the poem really asserts itself by engaging the reader with its language, the repeated used of “I want”. There is an earnestness and eagerness in that voice which goes beyond the details, and allows them to matter, to be held close and examined in ways they wouldn’t be if the poem were more “hands off” in terms of its dialogue. The voice acts as a strong scaffold and holds the details in temporal and emotional relation to each other.

By: Paul Oakley

Paul Oakley — Thu, 05 Nov 2009 17:13:20 +0000

Interesting technique, pointing the poem’s “you” to specific details, commenting on different perceptions of perceptions, instructing the other’s mind to consider.

I particularly like the ending:

the thin-line high
soprano cries slicing the throats of eardrums and air. And trying to figure out
why angels fell,
and if I ever had wings. This is where
I began.

I like how our eardrums have throats. We, hearing, are creating voices, not in reply, but mainly as interpretations of the incomprehensible voice of the other. Nice, Nicole!

By: Ana

Ana — Thu, 05 Nov 2009 17:02:14 +0000

I like the richness in details, it helps me get into the character’s “skin”

By: zouxzoux

zouxzoux — Thu, 05 Nov 2009 15:43:42 +0000

You’ve told a wonderful story in lyrical verse. I, too, love the stanza Derrick has pointed out. So imaginative. You have a very unique voice, Raven.

By: Derrick

Derrick — Thu, 05 Nov 2009 15:19:48 +0000

It certainly sets a scene. The last stanza uses beautifully rich language, especially,
“below the dismembered black peacocks of curved Urdu script telling their tale,
beneath the shadows of Mohammed and the snake. Trying to find
my way to the gold arabesque wall,
to run my fingers over it and read the endless carved whispers
of someone’s God. Trying to hear
the crash of crazy violins: the song
of gold, ruby, amber, and sapphire string love”