NaPoWriMo Poem #18: Dust

I used to believe in you.

Your name was Normal. You were a fantastic idol,
a phantasm made out of God, pedestal-high,
queen of all things that I could never touch. You
wore my face like perfection even better than I did. Body
shrunken to the size of late night cock dreams. You
had no script, nothing to consult – the words were just
sliding through your brain, reconstructing every synapse like
mere connections between hemisphere and region were not
enough. And I,

the neophyte,
the disciple. I did not yet know that
Asperger’s had already stamped itself into the space
behind my eyes in loose cable connections and
blank dictionaries where the how-to manuals on human relations
should be. But yet you beckoned, not with finger, not with
eyelashes fluttering like black spiny flags. You just
stood there,
the expectation between us a steel-cabled bridge,
and it was just enough to let me know what you wanted. Reach,
you said. And I

did. Until my back ripped itself apart,
until my spine slapped me, until my
arms fucking hurt like rubber bands that
forgot that their skins could break. Muscle wire, worn out,
the end of feeling human. Just reach a little further,
yeah, that’s it.
Yes, Torquemada’s rack is much
kinder than you. When I looked again, I found that I had
stretched myself into a ghost, horizon-thin,
invisible to the naked eye.

It took me years to
collect myself back into human form. And
here I am. But you are still here, pedestal-low,
made out of myths and belt buckles slammed into my back
and serrated edge screams and
my nightmares,
which all wear your face,
and like I said,
it’s just like mine. Except yours is plastic Heaven,
fired and molded from a vacant, back-door Hell
heart. No. I want none of your pleasures, none of your
blessings. I am not your people, and you are not
my God.
I suck in a deep breath and reach out to
touch you –

and when I do,
you collapse into a mound of dust. So this
is what my dreams were made of.
I laugh, shake my head, and
turn a scarred and bruised back to you. Fuck you. I’m not
sorry for leaving you behind.

Written 4/20/10
© 2010 Nicole Nicholson.

This is written for NaPoWriMo #20: The Hero Poem over at Read Write Poem. This is also my eighteenth poem for NaPoWriMo 2010. I decided to take a slightly different spin on the prompt. I wrote this poem for three reasons: a) after finding out that I have Asperger Syndrome, I realized that I will never be entirely normal — and that’s ok; b) I think normal is overrated anyway; and c) many of us strive to be a normal that is closer to perfection and may not be realistic to achieve anyway, and d) sometimes, we confuse normal with conformity.




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About ravenswingpoetry

I am a 38 year old writer from Columbus, OH and the creator of Raven's Wing Poetry. I am a poet, seeker, fellow traveler, and autistic.
This entry was posted in Asperger Poetry, NaPoWriMo 2010, Poems, Prompt Poems, Read Write Word Prompt Poem and tagged , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , . Bookmark the permalink.

7 Responses to NaPoWriMo Poem #18: Dust

  1. Excellent! Incredible use of words and phrases combined into something heartfelt and real … I really felt this poem as I read it. Thanks.

  2. pamela says:

    Nicole this is so powerful and as always wonderful. Yeah and normal is overrated and conformity is much what we do.

  3. Nichole – your memorable poem helped me understand something that a loved one has been going through. You have an amazing talent for creating a useful narrative that creates a space for others to walk through. Thank you for this gem, for sharing it with us.
    JD Mackenzie

  4. Yousei Hime says:

    As pamela said, this is very powerful, a declaration of freedom. I absolutely despise the concept of “normal.” I’ve been treated for depression for the past 14 years. The comparisons to others . . . I refuse normality. I love being unique. Now I wish those I love appreciated that quality. Thank you for sharin this.

  5. Love it, Keep it up, please 🙂

  6. Pingback: May 2010 Edition of Poetry Super Highway Worldwide Open Reading Online Now! « Raven's Wing Poetry

  7. Pingback: Poetry for Autistics Speaking Day | Woman With Asperger's

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